Matchbook Diaries

Age

Age is a funny thing. When I was young, I remember thinking that I would NEVER graduate high school. I remember thinking how old and "together" those people were. I mean the guys in the 12th grade could talk to girls! I don't mean that they could call them names and yell at them from across the room, I mean they could talk to them. I think one of the largest steps that they had taken, in my mind, was that they could sit next to them in class and ignore them. I know, it sounds crazy! but it's true. They didn't have to squirm around and push them and keep eyeing them out of the corner of their eyes. It was a very strange and wonderful place 12th grade.
Then something happened, I was in 12th grade. I don't know how I got there, and I really feel like there was a mistake. I don't feel together, I'm having more trouble with girls than I ever did in grade school. I can talk to them but I don't feel nearly as relaxed as the 12th graders looked!
It was all very strange. I didn't feel like I should be in 12th grade. I always felt that the 12th graders I had known had done something great to be that old. I knew what I had done, and all that was, was stay alive and pass grades 11, 10, 9, etc. That feeling still haunts me to this day. Right now, at this very moment, I own a home, I own a car, I have a wife, and a child, I have in the past, run a restaurant, owned a restaurant, owned a motorcycle, sold a home, and done countless other accomplishments that I am not capable of. After all, I'm the same guy I was when I was looking up at the 12th graders years ago! I guess I always thought there was some sort of change that would happen in me, that would make me an "adult", that would make me capable of "adult" things. That never happened. I'm the same. I just go where life takes me, and then I look around and I'm this child with all of these adult responsabilities! It can be frightening.
Whenever I reflect along these lines, I think about my parents. Growing up, they were parents, they had always been parents. There was no way that they felt like I do when I look at my daughter and have no clue about the ins and outs of raising children. They had it all together. They could solve my problems, they could make me feel better when I was down, they made money, they drove cars. How could somebody that had it THAT together, feel so out of place? But I'm sure they did. There were times I'm sure, that I would cry and they wouldn't know why, bills would be due and there was no money to pay them, or time had run out that day, and there was so much left to be done, but you know what? I never knew about those things. My parents just kept going. They did what they did, just like I do now. We just keep going. I have a child that will be one in a few weeks. I have no idea how to raise a teenager, but I have 12 years to try to find out!
Age is a funny thing indeed, but we all go through it, and although we may hide it very well, this is the first time for all of us!