Introducing the greatest Rebecca Black email chain ever:

It all started with a very innocent suggestion from yours truly that we should look into hiring some entertainment for an upcoming work function:

Me:
You know what we should do? For our RV family day we should see if we can book Rebecca Black to ‘perform’. I wonder how much she charges, it couldn’t be much…
Mike:
I’ll throw my support behind that one.  But, on the condition I get to open…
Paul:
Unless we’re getting the hour-long extended dance remix, that would be a pretty short concert…
Me:
Oh I’m sure she’s been hard at work writing new material. There should be no problem putting on a good two hour concert. She’s already put out her follow-up ‘Wednesday’, a dark look into teen angst ‘Zits’, and the emotional ballad ‘Driver’s License’. OK, so that’s not true, but I’m sure she’s working on SOMETHING!
Paul:
I hope “Zits” is based on my favorite newspaper comic strip:








Ah, social commentary!
Mike:
Don’t forget, homegirl’s only 13. We’re going to have to suffer though “Learner’s Permit” long before we feast our ears on a “Driver’s License” ballad.  Come on Matt, you think Led Zeppelin just up and wrote “Stairway to Heaven” before paying their dues?
Me:
Ahhh, but how quickly you forget the yearning of the 13 year old for the joy of driving your first automobile. The dream is not to cruise with mom or dad by your side, but rather to ‘see your friends’ while waiting at the bus stop, and having to decide which seat to take, as depicted in Friday. With that in mind, I believe Learner’s Permit will be skipped over for greener pastures.
Mike:
Not every song can be a Black Eyed Peas party anthem.  I expect Rebecca to peel back a deeper layer of lyricism as she attempts to simultaneously navigate overbearing parental instruction, peer pressure from friends and, of course, the car itself down the road to platinum success and prolonged stardom.
Paul:
I would be willing to wait for Rebecca’s upcoming hits if she can line up some interesting artistic collaborations.  I’ve already thought of a few I’d like to see:

• ·
         RB with the unnamed mastermind behind “Nu Thang”

• ·
         RB with a singing DMV worker

• ·
         RB with this talking dog: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw

Me:
Agreed, she will have to bring in some ringers to lend some ‘street-cred’ to her musical stylings. I don’t think the one dude driving the SUV in her Friday video will suffice. One issue I take with your comments, Paul, is that you state that the mastermind behind ‘Nu Thang’ is unknown. DC Talk has been performing this little ditty for many years and have quite an extensive following: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gv87rfQjquY



I believe you intended to suggest that the young usurper trying to ride their coat-tails to stardom is largely ‘unknown’.


Mike:
Perhaps Paul was suggesting that the Nu Thang kid help to coordinate a little more excitement into Rebecca Black’s routine.  I’ve rarely seen anyone with that much pep in the step.   A few sessions with Tiny Dancer and perhaps Rebecca could completely erase the dead-in-the-eyes jaded-stripper stare she perfected in the Friday video.
Paul:
In my defense, it sounded like a completely different song when he did it…
Me:
I don’t know if I want to live in a world where Rebecca Black is not dead behind the eyes. That’s kind of her thing. If she loses that, she will lose a piece of who she is.
Mike:
I think it was the 4^th fun that jaded her.  That’s why I always stop at 3 funs… the 4^th is the point of no return, I mean, you see some things.  Things you can’t unsee.
Me:
Her friend, the one on her right, should really keep an eye out for signs of aggression. I feel like she’s going to snap one day and push her out of the car they are standing in while it careens down a winding mountain highway at midnight.
Mike:
I don’t know.  If we’re scouring the Friday video for signs of disturbing behavior, my money is on the large African-American man alone in the car and singing aloud to himself about a 13-year old girl.
Paul:
Come on now, Mike.  The joy of discovering that it’s Friday—and realizing that you have up to two seat options to choose from!—can hardly be contained by the meager boundaries of age.
Mike:
Valid, but keep in mind, he’s singing about her before she became an internet celebrity.  Now you or I could just get this verse stuck in our head, it happens.  Lord knows I’ve rocked out a little Taylor Swift in my day.  For all we know she served him Orange Julius in the mall food court and he got ideas…
Mike:
In response to Mari-Beth’s gender bias accusation… I’ve prepared this critical analysis and indisputably pointed out these are the words of a child molester…
(courtesy of metrolyrics.com)
R-B, Rebecca Black  Mentions her by name, he’s met her before.So chillin' in the front seat (In the front seat)
In the back seat (In the back seat) Clearly indicates he’s allocated extra space in the car as if it will be later filled by something (foreshadowing)I'm drivin', cruisin' (Yeah, yeah)
Fast lanes, switchin' lanes  Conveys a sense of urgencyWit' a car up on my side (Woo!)  “Woo!” read: police siren(C'mon) Passin' by is a school bus in front of me  It’s now revealed the reason for speeding was to catch a school busMakes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream  Police are on his tail, as he approaches the bus. Anxiety nears its tipping point .Check my time, it's Friday, it's a weekend  Feeling the heat, he re-assesses the situation, but decides to carry on.We gonna have fun, c'mon, c'mon, y'all  Have fun, c’mon, c’mon? Might as well have offered them candy.
Me:
This is all fine and dandy, but I still think that this is simply a character he is playing within the song. The child-molesting producer is a very popular hero in some cultures.
Mike:
I don’t know. A child molesting producer played by the producer is a little meta for an otherwise predictable storyline. I just don’t see that kind of depth anywhere else in the video. Maybe I need a refresher viewing.

So, as you can see, it turned into something bigger than all of us. I really feel like I was part of something today. Years from now, I fully expect to see this email chain immortalized in stone as a monument to world changing events...

HEADLINE: STORM CRIPPLES CHARLOTTE!

It took me over an hour to get to work this morning where it usually takes me 20-25 minutes. The problem was that we had a big storm here in Charlotte last night and some power lines broke. First, let me say that when you have a storm like we had here last night, you expect some power to be out and for it to take a few hours for the power company to get everything back up and running. What you DON’T expect, is for the entire south side of the city to dissolve into utter chaos. The entire outer loop of 485 was closed at one point with no police presence on 485 at all. All traffic was being diverted by a truck with a flashing arrow down the closest exit ramp. At the bottom of the ramp I saw my first officer of the day. She was carrying on a pleasant conversation with a pedestrian who was standing in the median with her and doing everything in her power to ignore the confused and frustrated drivers poking their bumpers nervously into the intersection. If she could have brought herself to wave one of her arms in a slightly encouraging way, I think it would have done wonders for the backup reaching several miles up 485 at this point. Finally, I made my way through and back on to 485 on the other side of whatever it was that caused them to close the bridge (I’m sure it was all for my benefit.) and had wide open road in front of me once again... for about 10 seconds. The next exit was backed up for about 300 yards and not moving. From that point it usually takes me about 5 minutes to get to work. This time it was 20. Once again, no officers directing traffic in all but one intersection and everybody was already pissed from spending 45 minutes of their morning so far in their car, stopped on the highway. It’s just such a disappointment to pour all this money into the state of NC and watch it spent frivolously on crap instead of the basic functions of government.